Charlie Chicanery #1 (of 4)

Quest for Something or Other

Amidst an otherwise empty star field imagine a rather strapping young man, possessed of light brown hair, somewhat tall stature, and a rather snappy outfit that includes a genuine leather jacket. He's soaring through this star field, apparently crossing the vast interstellar void of space, with staff in hand. He looks somewhat bored, but then you would be too if you had to cross several thousand light years under your own power...!

(That should do for a 'cover', shouldn't it?)

Notice: for those of you that are faint of heart, the following tale isn't exactly what one would call G-rated in nature. It contains a plethora of bad language, excessive violence, sexual innuendo, and of course, things that would get this story burned, were it in a printed form, by the more fanatical elements of just about any religion on earth. In other words, if these things offend you - you've been warned.

(That should do for a 'disclaimer', shouldn't it?)

***

Whee.

So here I am once again, soaring through the black, trackless depths of space. Who'd have thought just two years ago that I'd have a job like this? Everything else about me seems normal, except that I actually managed to graduate from high school - unlike everybody else in my slacker family. Heck, I was about to get me a job at the local McDonalds ™ and earn my way to an apartment and lots of beer or something, when it happened.

I was running to my job interview since my car had broken down again, and I was hoping against hope that I would still get there on time, see. Before I knew it, I was like a comet or something, and shot through the air at wacky speeds - and there I was, at the local Mickey D's. I got the job even though my hair was sort of pasted to my head funny, but I didn't keep it for long, oh no. Before I knew it, I was finding myself rocketing around all the time.

I figured it was a good idea for me to keep this a secret, so I made sure only to blast around while it was dark out. Not that I actually make a 'blast' when I'm flying, mind you. No, I just sort of... go. Fast. So fast that I actually managed to bump myself into the moon once. That's when I realized something else about me had changed - I didn't need to breathe anymore. Or eat. Or drink. I could, of course, but it wasn't really, well, required.

So here I am, making like Superman ™ and checking out that American flag up there on good ol' Luna when I actually run into someone else. Well, something else, really, for it wasn't human - Hell, it wasn't even humanoid. Well, maybe it was. I mean, it was all limbs. Six arms or legs, I'm not sure if they were either or both, when you get down to it. Each of which had what looked like three thumbs. Or long ol' toes. It's hard to describe.

Without a visual aid, anyway.

So this thing starts talking at me through its freaky silvery space suit, which had to be something of an ergonomic breakthrough, what with the dome in the middle for its, uh, head, between both sets of three legs or arms or whatever, but I can't understand what the heck it's babbling about. Even assuming that I did get its crazy moon language, the truth is that there ain't no air in space - 'no one can hear you scream' and all that.

Goofy alien arm thing.

Anyway, it started motioning to me to follow it, as it was going to earth, so I did. I was thinking here that I could stop some kooky alien invasion, but as it turned out this alien, who I found out was named Kookla'k'k'x (yeah, pronounce THAT without breaking a tonsil, why don't you) worked for a company in the suburbs of Pittsburgh called Extra Solar Enterprises. I thought that was kind of odd, since people can't really go extra solar, per se.

It turns out that as far as anybody else knows, they're one of those crackpot 'internet' companies that sprung up back in 1998, and people seem to think it's just a matter of time before their weird corporate mission, of making a galactic internet for people once they get out in space, puts 'em out of business. They actually do a lot of space-type stuff, mind you, it's just that they don't tell nobody about it - especially the IRS.

I still don't even know who's the brains behind this company, since the first person I ever talked to is the only full-timer I actually know that works there. This guy, a middle-management type called Riley, he's the fellow that recruits the freelancers that ESE uses to do their real work, that being the retrieval of various things from way out in space. He hires all sorts of people to do this, too, whoever he can find on earth that has the ability.

I just can't quite figure out how they know where to find the weird things they want... maybe that's something the higher-up corporate types do. Who knows? Anyway, Kookla'k'k'x introduced me to Riley, who then had his staff test the crap out of me, to figure out just what I can do. It turns out that, not only can I fly fast, I can fly really fast - like faster than light when I put my mind to it.

He said that I can do that thanks to some sort of 'dimensional interface' with something called hyperspace, and that I can actually focus energy from that weird universe into ours, with the aid of some special metal he calls 'transient steel'. Naturally, they had some of this metal handy, which they fashioned into a nifty weapon for me; I wanted a sword, but no, they figured that a staff would be better, so that's what I got.

Prudes.

Anyway.

I digress.

So I find I can fly all over the darn universe if I feel like it, I can channel 'tachyons' at people with my staff, and can survive in deep space thanks to both my independence from any need for sustenance and a host of physical immunities that I could swear that I didn't have only a few months ago, such as heat, cold, and intense pressure. And radiation, too. Or at least that's what they tell me, so if I get cancer in a few months, I'll know why.

So. After telling me all this, Riley offers me a job. As it turned out, he only had a few people handy that could do the jobs ESE needed done, so he could really use the help. He'd even throw in the staff and the analysis of my freaky, 'mutant' powers if I did a job for him right away. Since I had like eighty bucks to my name, I figured that was fair... it wasn't like I could actually afford an MRI and whatever else those bozos did.

The only problem was that I had to sign like a bazillion confidentiality agreements, and of course I had to work under an alias, too. Flying around space and identifying myself as 'Chuck Swank' isn't really dramatic, so I had to come up with a snazzy 'super hero' name. It took me a little while, but I think the one I invented is pretty cool. After all, there aren't too many people you'll ever meet that are known as Charlie Chicanery!

Sweet, huh? Yeah, I thought so.

It's kind of cool, though. My first job for them was to fly to a star system a couple hundred light years away, nothing really complicated, to seek out and 'confiscate' this weird... thing. I'm not sure exactly how to describe it, because it's sort of alive and sort of not. Kind of like some sort of intelligent computer brain made out of, uh, energy I think. It's like a small ball of light more powerful than all of earth's computers. Combined.

They even gave me a space-map dingus and approximate directions to find the thing once I get to the planet it's on. So, they made sure I was all set and ready, and I took off! The problem with this, of course, is that it's not like I can fly so fast that I can cross a couple hundred light years in the blink of an eye, oh no. Those funny space shows that the kids are all watching these days make you think that's normal, but no... that's not how it works.

The ESE folk guesstimated that I can fly at over 100,000 times the speed of light once I really get going, so there's that. But, since I was flying around 700 or so light years out to this strange new planet, secretly hoping that I'm also immune to freaky alien diseases, that divided out when it was all done to about two days' flight time. The thingie I've got to show me the way clocked me at around 125,000 times light speed... awesome.

But still. Two days. That takes a lot out of you. I didn't even know I could fly when I was asleep, but I did. Even if it wasn't quite at my peak, I was doing it - which is keen. But, as I approached the planet, I found it to be around a nifty red star with like twenty other small planets - and six giant ones, too. I'd never seen anything quite like it, so I just sort of admired the view, flitting about all the different worlds I could see.

It took me a few more hours of just looking around, but I finally got my head in gear, and followed the directions the thingerbob that ESE gave me was blinking out at me, and I flew to the eighth planet in the system. It seemed to be about as big as our own moon, though much more hospitable to life. Some life, at any rate, since the air tasted like eggs and I didn't think I'd last long if I needed to breathe it. Whatever it was made of.

The air had an orange-ish cast to it, so who knows what that meant. Didn't matter I guess, so I just rocketed in and started circling the place. There were a few small compounds that I could see on the surface, but other than that, I guess the place wasn't full of life after all. There were a few things that could have been plants besides that, but from my altitude it was hard to tell. And with my luck they'd try to eat me or something, so I didn't look too hard.

My babbling aside, I checked out the direction-giving thingie and it steered me towards one of the weird domed compounds on this tiny little orange planet, and I landed outside it. There was a handy air lock mechanism, which was a good thing since I hadn't tried out the whole 'channeling energy' thing yet, and didn't want to kill everybody here. Furthermore, they didn't have any lock or pass code on the door - I guess they weren't worried about company.

So I walked in.

I guess this was etiquette mistake number one, maybe I should have knocked or something. This was because as soon as I got inside the weird dome, I heard a plethora of screams coming from all around. And they weren't human-like, neither, kind of like this icky wet warbling sound. I still didn't see anything alien-y though, so I just flew where the device told me to, and it led me to about the center of town.

That's when I ran into the locals. These things were most definitely things, let me tell you. They were like these big blue sacks of... sack. Just bags, filled with icky blue goo. So maybe they were clear sacs full of blue goo, or blue sacks full of clear goo, but either way... eew. They were all warbling at me, and making these liquid noises, so I wasn't quite sure what to say. That's when it hit me to start speaking in American Tourist.

"HELLO! I AM CHARLIE CHICANERY! I AM AN AMERICAN! IT IS NICE TO MEET ALL OF YOU INDIGINOUS PEOPLES! WHERE IS THE BATHROOM?" Not that I needed to go, of course, but well, that seems to be one of those common tourist phrases, and I didn't want to spoil the mood. The volume caused a bunch of the things to go away though, but a few of them weren't so easily cowed by my mighty American dialect, oh no. They came at me fast, with, well, more goo.

Two of the gooey sacks shot goo at me from their own mass of goo, if that makes sense, and glopped the stuff all over my arms. It kind of got on the direction finder thing, which made me real nervous, so I freaked out and started swinging my staff at the closest gloppy thing. I really hoped it wasn't a cop or anything, because the last thing I needed was to get arrested and thrown in a big gooey jail and get anally savaged by some sort of gooey alien convict.

That would be just my luck, you know.

Naturally, my metal stick got stuck in the thing, and it just sort of warbled at me in a rhythmic way that suggested it was laughing at me. This made me mad, so mad that I guess that my weird channeling power kicked in, and the energy I focused from elsewhere popped this thing into about a couple hundred smaller clumps of goo, spraying them all over the goo blobs of the city / dome / thing that I was visiting here today.

I didn't kill it though, don't you worry. I saw the smaller clumps of glob start too ooze back towards each other, Terminator 2 ™ style, soon enough. This little demonstration of my mighty American know-how was enough to scatter even the second abrasive thing menacing me, letting me scoop the goop off my arms (and the direction finder, too). "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SUPPORT. YOU ALL HAVE A NICE DAY NOW. PLEASE VISIT DISNEYLAND ™ ON THE HOLIDAYS!"

Before the heat really got turned up on me, I figured it was time to collect the goods and take off. I tuned back into the ESE gizmo and it said that I should find the strange energy computer hoo-hah in these things' city hall - or whatever the strange aqueduct like nexus was supposed to be. This whole city seemed to be a big water works facility, but I guess when your population is liquid, that'll happen, huh? Aliens... go figure.

I just bet I'm gonna get space syphilis or something from those blobs. Great.

But I digress. Wandering into the huge complex, I looked around for awhile, and since all the goos were avoiding me like I were some horrible alien (imagine that), I eventually made my way to the heart of the building - and found it. It, of course, being what looked like nothing more than a tiny sparkle of light, resting at the heart of what looked like a bunch of personal computer bus cables. Sparks were constantly flying into and out of it.

The indicator indicated that yes, this was the item I was looking for, but that's when I realized I hadn't thought everything through. For one thing, this sparkle was just that - a sparkle - and I had no idea how to transport a sparkle of energy anywhere, whether it be a mile or a couple hundred light years. Crap. So, since all else failed me, I decided to say a bunch of bad words, after which the sparkle of energy started talking to me.

"Hello, human!"

This took me a bit aback, since I didn't expect the energy-based computer to be very conversant, much less uh, conversant in English. "Hey there. What's up?"

Apparently thinking over what I asked it for a few seconds, it said "The ceiling, of course. What can I do for you?" Realizing that this thing may speak English, but not necessarily Slang, I figured I should probably think about what I say before I say it to this machine.

Again, imagine that. Me thinking about what I say before I say it. Hah.

"Well, I have been sent here by my employers to collect one, how did they say it, 'semi-sentient energy-based computing mechanism'. Of course, you seem more than semi-sentient to me, so I'm not exactly sure how I feel about collecting you, since that could be considered kidnapping or something, I imagine. But that's why I'm here, since you asked. You could do me a great favor by coming with me, I guess."

So the computer thought it over, and I have to say it surprised me with its answer. "Well, to be honest, I could use a new job. I've been managing the sewage system of these Tsort since they found me on this planet, where I'd been for about a thousand or so years. I first found my way here when my creators lost me during a battle with their enemies, the hated Zaahi. Not that I hate them, mind you, but my creators did. Hence the 'honorific'.

"But yes, let us go. I haven't actually worked with humans before. I assume we are headed to the world where humans originate? I have directed a few here and there in my time, but never worked for them, so this should be interesting. Yes, let us go." So the easy part was done, and I guess I was going to have me a conversationalist to accompany me on the way home, so that's always good. Unless he doesn't stop talking... then I might go cuckoo.

The only problem was physically transporting the little thing. It told me that it would stay wherever I put it relative to my person once I seized it, so I grabbed it and held it in my pocket. Once it assured me that it was comfortable, or at least relatively so, I started walking out of the building, though it seems that a lot of these... Tsort I guess... took issue with me pilfering their computer.

Though on hindsight I'd say it didn't really belong to anyone.

They warbled and gibbered at me, and thankfully I had an interpreter with me this time. "The Tsort say that you are a vile thief and terrorist and capitalist swine, and are going to be sentenced to death for stealing the heart of their life support system. I'm afraid to say that..." The energy computer quickly hushed up when I started flinging tachyons at the Tsort, doing so by waving my staff at them and willing blasts of energy to escape willy nilly.

Six blasts later, not to mention a large hole in the wall near the entryway, I had earned the Respect of the Tsort. Or at the very least, their hatred, fear, and utter contempt... take your pick. I prefer the former, for it makes me sound more impressive. Hah HAH. So, with a new doorway, I flew out over the heads (?) of the Tsort and made for interstellar space toot sweet. Thumbing my nose at this stupid planet, I then headed back for earth.

***

So that's that. Now I'm on my way back to earth, and writing here in my stupid journal. It's a good thing my aunt bought me one of those Fisher Space Pens ™ back in high school, or else I wouldn't be able to sort my addled brain out here on this stupid long flight home. Yeah, the transit does suck I suppose, but it does definitely beat working at McDonalds ™, huh? I guess I'll add more to this as soon as ESE gives me another job...!

***

Well, now that he's at least slightly in the know about himself and his strange, inherent faster than light powers, Charlie is getting into the swing of things at his new job with Extra Solar Enterprises. But are these people really all that ethical, performing 'salvage' operations on equipment and artifacts that are still technically being used by other people? Only time will tell how well that works out with Charlie as he grows into his own...!

***

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